Full, Full, Full......

I got up an half an hour earlier than normal today, so I was able to make breakfast at home.  I had egg beaters with a piece of bacon in a multi grain 100 calorie wrap......it was rather bland.  I washed it down with half a glass of left over smoothie from the two previous days.  I was still feeling kind of hungry but decided to hold off until getting to work to if I still was at which point I would have a snack.

I wasn't still hungry by the time I got to work, I was actually really full.....and full pretty much throughout the day.  I had grapes around 11:30 and another All Natural Cafe Steamer which was Portabella Mozzarella Pasta.  It was super yummy.

Around 2 I had 15 kashi crackers with another laughing cow cheese and a granny smith apple.  I did have another snack around 3:30, which was mixed nuts (not a healthy kind) and a clementine.

Dustin cooked dinner tonight (FABULOUS - I wasn't rushing all around when I got home) he cooked the fish I purchased which was Potato Crusted Chipolte Cod.  It was so yummy, he also made butter garlic noodles.  And I paired it with a salad.

I just want to add in here, for people who read this, but don't really, really know me or us.  (not that it matters just to save me from future explanation).  All the meat we eat excluding chicken and fish is fresh.  Meaning it came off of Dustin's grandparents farm or another friend's local farm.

And in addition.....it is 8pm, I am exhausted and going to bed early.

Here we GOOOOOOOOOO

So I am going to try to this again and see how it goes.  The holidays have come and gone and the weight has just come......now to work on it going.  I am not making it my New Year's Resolution to lose weight.  Because I feel like everyone does that and I don't want to set myself up for failure.  My NYR is to get up at a more appropriate time on a daily basis (meaning not having to run around like a crazy woman in the morning) and with that hopefully eventually being able to add working out in the morning to that.

I restarted this journey yesterday....unfortunately I have put back on all the weight that I had previously lost.  I new it was happening and I still couldn't stop myself from eating.  Which really disgusts me.  But I am already down two pounds or I was this morning I should say.

My last grocery shopping trip, last Sunday, was actually really good.  Everything that I bought was healthy and so far has been yummy.

This morning was the real first day  (again) in the change of my diet.  Breakfast was coffee we fat free FV creamer and 3 splenda, along with a fruit smoothie made with fat free vanilla yogurt, water and frozen strawberries, mangos and peaches.

1st snack was kashi fire roasted veggie crackers with a light mozzarella sun dried tomato basil laughing cow cheese and a medium size granny smith apple.  The crackers and cheese were AWESOME!!!!!

Lunch I had an all natural cafe steamer, Asian pot stickers and a banana and water.

2nd snack was two chocolate chunk back to nature's cookies and they didn't taste like cardboard which surprised me and a clementine.

Dinner was also delicious!!!!

Grilled steak with garlic pepper seasoning.  Portabella mushroom with 75% fat free cheddar also grilled, and cheesey garlic noodles.  All measured out to the appropriate serving sizes.

Everything was super yummy today and I am now hungry and I have to go find a snack to tide me over.....maybe grapes......idk

'til tomorrow

I'm Back???

Some people have mentioned that they would like me to be blogging again.  That they miss my brutal honesty and that some of you actually enjoy it....why I am not really sure and will probably never figure it out, but what the hell.  So here it goes again, be prepared this one is going to be a doozie!

I have been thinking a lot about my past lately and why I am the way that I am today.  Before I get into this I would like to precursor this by saying I am not looking for anything out of this post.  I have decided that I am going to put everything out there, just to give people a heads up of my past and why I think the way I am the way I am.  This post is going to be kind of a mishmash of a little bit of everything.  It is just all this shit that is constantly running through my brain and I need an outlet.  I have debated about doing this on here for awhile, but honestly I didn't know if I wanted to open this up for the world to see and leave myself this vulnerable.  But I am going to do it and leave it at that.

I have always been very up front with people about my attitude, about who I am and everything else in between.  I started this blog because of my weight and my struggle with it in my every day life.  I have struggled with my weight since I was little and I remember it very clearly.  I distinctly remember looking at myself and never thinking I was skinny.  Even when I was at my skinniest (a size 8 or 9 when I was 20 or so) I thought I was fat!!!  Now I would kill to get back to that size.  I realize today that getting back to that size for me is really not realistic.  Don't get me wrong  I was never told that I was fat (that I can remember) by anyone...not anyone that matters to me anyway. But it has been a constant struggle from looking at pictures in magazines and thinking that the way they looked was the way that I should look to looking at my classmates and thinking and knowing that they were thinner than I was and that I should be able to be that skinny.  It has always been a constant struggle and I deal with it day in and day out. 
I don't wear it on my shoulder for everyone to see and I have this facade of having a wall up and that it doesn't bother me the way people look at me and judge.  But it does.

I have never perceived myself as a skinny or pretty person.  I can honestly say that the only day of my life I have ever felt truly beautiful was the day of my wedding.  Everyday I have gotten up and done my morning routine whether it be in high school or now....you shower, do your hair and makeup and get on with the day.  There are days when I have gone to school/work and thought that I have looked at alright and then you have one of those moments where you look in the mirror and you have a what the fuck was I thinking thought....that happens more often than not and it has gotten so much worse since having Emma, because I am exhausted all of the time and no amount of makeup can hide that exhausted look on your face.  Not in my case anyway!

Moving on......I told you this was going to be a mishmash....sorry, you can stop reading now if you want, but it is going to continue.  I am going to back track a little here and talk about middle school and high school and my friendships there.  I feel like I have this curse that follows me around in my friendships.  I have never had an abundant amount of friends.  I have always had a couple of friends that I have always held near and dear to my heart.  To this day this holds true.  I can remember in middle school being very close with a couple of different people.  I am not going to name names or call anyone out...this is not for that purpose at all.  I was friends with them each individually we eventually started hanging out all together and I was then cut from the clique.  If that is what you want to call it.  I realize to a degree that this is all middle school bull shit and kids being kids, but I don't think people realize the things they do and how long people carry it with them.  I remember having classes with these two girls and I remember distinctly the day that it happened and when I realized what was going on....they had talked to the other people "sitting" by them and had them move seats so there would not be a seat close to them and I would have to move to the other side of the room.  Obviously I didn't realize this was going on right away, but within a couple of days, someone actually told me that they had asked them to sit by them so I couldn't.  Ouch.  To some extent this happened again in high school with two different girls, I was again close with these two on an individual basis and we all started hanging out and I was again "removed" from the clique.  It wasnt as drastic or mean spirited as is it had been in middle school, but it still hurt.  I think this is where my "rough" exterior and my "walls" started to form.  From here on out I was pretty much a bitch, douche bag, call it what you want.  I was it.  Because I was determine to not let myself get hurt, yet again.

I am not going to get into my relationships with boyfriends because those are far worse then any friendships that I have had to deal with.  And as many walls as I put up they were able to take them down and beat me down a little more.  So now my walls stand taller and stronger, but in the end I am a better person for it.

I have two very close friends who mean the absolute world to me and I would be completely lost without them and they are my true friends and my soul sisters.  I would do anything for them as they would for me. I love them and they have helped to mold me into the person I am today.  And I am a better person for having them in my life.  You guys know who you are.

If by chance anyone reads this that thinks, they are one of "those" girls. We are speaking now and I don't want to get into it with you to any degree or on any level.  It is what it is......I just needed to let it out.

Sorry about all the mishmashy shit......this was kind of like a completely random diary entry.....sorry for that.

I was down 1.8 this morning....which I am sure is mostly water weight, but I will take it.  I am hoping that I will be able to get the rest off with in the next two days..or so.

Breakfast this morning was a Yoplait Light FF Strawberry Banana Yogurt.  For snack I had a 100 cal Fruit Crisp and a Light String  Cheese.  Can I just say I forgot how much I freaking love string cheese.  Who ever invented is a flippin' genius.

Lunch was left overs from last night, sauteed peppers, onions, mushrooms and grilled steak.  It was probably a total of two cups, being mostly vegetables.  Snack I had 100 cal snack pack of cookies and later I had a Nature Valley Chewy Fruit and Nut Granola bar.

Zumba kicked my ass tonight!!!!

Dinner was a cheese burger (which I was told by my RD is a serving size) and I also had a measured out serving of pasta salad which was loaded with veggies.

Here I Go AGAIN!!!

I was on vacation last week.  The first couple of days I had no real Internet access....so blogging was not an option.  I went into vacation planning on being really good.  Well that didn't happen at all.  Like NOT at all.  I don't know if I mentioned it before but my old scale was not reading properly so Dustin was nice enough to pick me up a new one in Concord for me one day.  He got one that only reads weight, which is fine, but it doesn't remember from day to day....which I didn't think was going to be a big deal, but apparently I can't remember SHIT!!!

So I have to go back through my posts and see where I stand, but I am pretty sure I am up like 3.5lbs.  Which doesn't really surprise me at all, but I am disappointed in myself.

So I got back on the band wagon today.  Breakfast a Yoplait Light (FF) Strawberry yogurt.  It was actually super yummy, but took me forever to eat because I dove right into work when I got there and I had a lot of emails and shit to go through and get organized...

By lunch I was starving so around 12:15 I made my cafe steamer.  Today it was the portabella mushroom marsala....delish.  1:30 I was still hungry so I had a 100 cal snack pack of cookies.  2:30 still hungry so I had a small granny smith apple and a 100 cal snack pack of cocoa roasted almonds....again 3:30 still hungry so I had a 100 cal fruit crisp bar.

Curves kicked my ass tonight....that's what I get for taking a week off.  But I am glad that I can feel it because I can totally feel the weight that I put back on and I feel disgusting.......

When I got home Dustin and Emma were playing in the front yard, so I hung out with them for a couple of minutes and then we went in.  Dustin was nice enough to start dinner, while I gave Miss Em a bath.  He defrosted some fresh steaks and when Em was done with her tubby, I cut up some bell peppers, mushrooms and onions which I sauteed.  Dustin grilled the steak and we through everything on top of a salad....dinner was yummy!  I know I am going to be hungry in a little bit and I haven't figured out what I am going to do for a snack yet.

On another note, I saw this  Brita Water Bottle in Walmart and saw a commercial for it and I am wondering if anyone has one or if they have heard anything about it.  The water at my office sucks, I think having something that would make the water taste less like shit, might actually help me to drink more......rather than having to buy bottled all the time.

I was down .2 this morning, which brings my total to six.

This is going to be a short blog tonight...

Breakfast was blueberry greek yogurt with 1.5 handfuls of kashi berry cereal.....it made it a little more palatable and I got 3/4 of it down.  Snack was 2 cups of watermelon.  Lunch was another grilled chicken salad, today I did opt for the house dressing, which was pretty much oil.  I did have an afternoon snack which was  100 cal fruit crisp snack and 100 cocoa roasted almonds snack pack.  Dinner is mozzarella pesto tomato pizza.

Tonight was Zumba at Curves, it was a different teacher and less intense, not as good of a work out as the other night.  But still fun!

Down .6 again this morning, for a total of 5.8 lbs.  This seems to be a stalling point for me.  Hopefully I will be able to get past this and tomorrow morning I will be down and can continue to move forward.

Breakfast was two whole wheat waffles with peanut butter and banana slices.  This is by far my favorite breakfast since starting this diet adventure.  I had a bag of cocoa roasted almonds around 11 on my way back to the house, because we were so slow at work today I was going home to get Em's birthday invitations and my coupons.....so invitations have been made out and my coupons are organized.

I did a shitty job of grocery shopping last Saturday because I was in such a hurry and had to get home for the sex toy party I was hosting.  I got all the stuff on my list, but apparently my list didn't include any lunch items......so I was pretty shit of luck this week and finishing up things in the fridge.  So today I was out of food and had no lunch.  I ordered out, large garden salad topped with chicken.  They have no low fat dressing and their house dressing is basically oil.....so I got Caesar, I know not the best choice, but it is what I had.  I will admit I ate entirely too much chicken and the bread that came with it.  Hopefully I wont regret that in the morning.

There was no afternoon snack because I was so full from lunch.  Dinner was left over Chinese food - (maybe) a cup of beef and broccoli, a chicken finger and two crab rangoons.....with a glass of cranberry grape juice.......I think I may be getting a UTI.  FML.

My knees have been killing me all day and my back has been wicked tight.  But I went to Curves anyway and had a pretty good workout.  That is three days in a row and I will go tomorrow as well, Friday is a no go as I am having people over for dinner for a mini old high school group get together.