Thursday, October 13, 2011

I'm Back???

Some people have mentioned that they would like me to be blogging again.  That they miss my brutal honesty and that some of you actually enjoy it....why I am not really sure and will probably never figure it out, but what the hell.  So here it goes again, be prepared this one is going to be a doozie!

I have been thinking a lot about my past lately and why I am the way that I am today.  Before I get into this I would like to precursor this by saying I am not looking for anything out of this post.  I have decided that I am going to put everything out there, just to give people a heads up of my past and why I think the way I am the way I am.  This post is going to be kind of a mishmash of a little bit of everything.  It is just all this shit that is constantly running through my brain and I need an outlet.  I have debated about doing this on here for awhile, but honestly I didn't know if I wanted to open this up for the world to see and leave myself this vulnerable.  But I am going to do it and leave it at that.

I have always been very up front with people about my attitude, about who I am and everything else in between.  I started this blog because of my weight and my struggle with it in my every day life.  I have struggled with my weight since I was little and I remember it very clearly.  I distinctly remember looking at myself and never thinking I was skinny.  Even when I was at my skinniest (a size 8 or 9 when I was 20 or so) I thought I was fat!!!  Now I would kill to get back to that size.  I realize today that getting back to that size for me is really not realistic.  Don't get me wrong  I was never told that I was fat (that I can remember) by anyone...not anyone that matters to me anyway. But it has been a constant struggle from looking at pictures in magazines and thinking that the way they looked was the way that I should look to looking at my classmates and thinking and knowing that they were thinner than I was and that I should be able to be that skinny.  It has always been a constant struggle and I deal with it day in and day out. 
I don't wear it on my shoulder for everyone to see and I have this facade of having a wall up and that it doesn't bother me the way people look at me and judge.  But it does.

I have never perceived myself as a skinny or pretty person.  I can honestly say that the only day of my life I have ever felt truly beautiful was the day of my wedding.  Everyday I have gotten up and done my morning routine whether it be in high school or shower, do your hair and makeup and get on with the day.  There are days when I have gone to school/work and thought that I have looked at alright and then you have one of those moments where you look in the mirror and you have a what the fuck was I thinking thought....that happens more often than not and it has gotten so much worse since having Emma, because I am exhausted all of the time and no amount of makeup can hide that exhausted look on your face.  Not in my case anyway!

Moving on......I told you this was going to be a mishmash....sorry, you can stop reading now if you want, but it is going to continue.  I am going to back track a little here and talk about middle school and high school and my friendships there.  I feel like I have this curse that follows me around in my friendships.  I have never had an abundant amount of friends.  I have always had a couple of friends that I have always held near and dear to my heart.  To this day this holds true.  I can remember in middle school being very close with a couple of different people.  I am not going to name names or call anyone out...this is not for that purpose at all.  I was friends with them each individually we eventually started hanging out all together and I was then cut from the clique.  If that is what you want to call it.  I realize to a degree that this is all middle school bull shit and kids being kids, but I don't think people realize the things they do and how long people carry it with them.  I remember having classes with these two girls and I remember distinctly the day that it happened and when I realized what was going on....they had talked to the other people "sitting" by them and had them move seats so there would not be a seat close to them and I would have to move to the other side of the room.  Obviously I didn't realize this was going on right away, but within a couple of days, someone actually told me that they had asked them to sit by them so I couldn't.  Ouch.  To some extent this happened again in high school with two different girls, I was again close with these two on an individual basis and we all started hanging out and I was again "removed" from the clique.  It wasnt as drastic or mean spirited as is it had been in middle school, but it still hurt.  I think this is where my "rough" exterior and my "walls" started to form.  From here on out I was pretty much a bitch, douche bag, call it what you want.  I was it.  Because I was determine to not let myself get hurt, yet again.

I am not going to get into my relationships with boyfriends because those are far worse then any friendships that I have had to deal with.  And as many walls as I put up they were able to take them down and beat me down a little more.  So now my walls stand taller and stronger, but in the end I am a better person for it.

I have two very close friends who mean the absolute world to me and I would be completely lost without them and they are my true friends and my soul sisters.  I would do anything for them as they would for me. I love them and they have helped to mold me into the person I am today.  And I am a better person for having them in my life.  You guys know who you are.

If by chance anyone reads this that thinks, they are one of "those" girls. We are speaking now and I don't want to get into it with you to any degree or on any level.  It is what it is......I just needed to let it out.

Sorry about all the mishmashy shit......this was kind of like a completely random diary entry.....sorry for that.