I'm Back???

Some people have mentioned that they would like me to be blogging again.  That they miss my brutal honesty and that some of you actually enjoy it....why I am not really sure and will probably never figure it out, but what the hell.  So here it goes again, be prepared this one is going to be a doozie!

I have been thinking a lot about my past lately and why I am the way that I am today.  Before I get into this I would like to precursor this by saying I am not looking for anything out of this post.  I have decided that I am going to put everything out there, just to give people a heads up of my past and why I think the way I am the way I am.  This post is going to be kind of a mishmash of a little bit of everything.  It is just all this shit that is constantly running through my brain and I need an outlet.  I have debated about doing this on here for awhile, but honestly I didn't know if I wanted to open this up for the world to see and leave myself this vulnerable.  But I am going to do it and leave it at that.

I have always been very up front with people about my attitude, about who I am and everything else in between.  I started this blog because of my weight and my struggle with it in my every day life.  I have struggled with my weight since I was little and I remember it very clearly.  I distinctly remember looking at myself and never thinking I was skinny.  Even when I was at my skinniest (a size 8 or 9 when I was 20 or so) I thought I was fat!!!  Now I would kill to get back to that size.  I realize today that getting back to that size for me is really not realistic.  Don't get me wrong  I was never told that I was fat (that I can remember) by anyone...not anyone that matters to me anyway. But it has been a constant struggle from looking at pictures in magazines and thinking that the way they looked was the way that I should look to looking at my classmates and thinking and knowing that they were thinner than I was and that I should be able to be that skinny.  It has always been a constant struggle and I deal with it day in and day out. 
I don't wear it on my shoulder for everyone to see and I have this facade of having a wall up and that it doesn't bother me the way people look at me and judge.  But it does.

I have never perceived myself as a skinny or pretty person.  I can honestly say that the only day of my life I have ever felt truly beautiful was the day of my wedding.  Everyday I have gotten up and done my morning routine whether it be in high school or now....you shower, do your hair and makeup and get on with the day.  There are days when I have gone to school/work and thought that I have looked at alright and then you have one of those moments where you look in the mirror and you have a what the fuck was I thinking thought....that happens more often than not and it has gotten so much worse since having Emma, because I am exhausted all of the time and no amount of makeup can hide that exhausted look on your face.  Not in my case anyway!

Moving on......I told you this was going to be a mishmash....sorry, you can stop reading now if you want, but it is going to continue.  I am going to back track a little here and talk about middle school and high school and my friendships there.  I feel like I have this curse that follows me around in my friendships.  I have never had an abundant amount of friends.  I have always had a couple of friends that I have always held near and dear to my heart.  To this day this holds true.  I can remember in middle school being very close with a couple of different people.  I am not going to name names or call anyone out...this is not for that purpose at all.  I was friends with them each individually we eventually started hanging out all together and I was then cut from the clique.  If that is what you want to call it.  I realize to a degree that this is all middle school bull shit and kids being kids, but I don't think people realize the things they do and how long people carry it with them.  I remember having classes with these two girls and I remember distinctly the day that it happened and when I realized what was going on....they had talked to the other people "sitting" by them and had them move seats so there would not be a seat close to them and I would have to move to the other side of the room.  Obviously I didn't realize this was going on right away, but within a couple of days, someone actually told me that they had asked them to sit by them so I couldn't.  Ouch.  To some extent this happened again in high school with two different girls, I was again close with these two on an individual basis and we all started hanging out and I was again "removed" from the clique.  It wasnt as drastic or mean spirited as is it had been in middle school, but it still hurt.  I think this is where my "rough" exterior and my "walls" started to form.  From here on out I was pretty much a bitch, douche bag, call it what you want.  I was it.  Because I was determine to not let myself get hurt, yet again.

I am not going to get into my relationships with boyfriends because those are far worse then any friendships that I have had to deal with.  And as many walls as I put up they were able to take them down and beat me down a little more.  So now my walls stand taller and stronger, but in the end I am a better person for it.

I have two very close friends who mean the absolute world to me and I would be completely lost without them and they are my true friends and my soul sisters.  I would do anything for them as they would for me. I love them and they have helped to mold me into the person I am today.  And I am a better person for having them in my life.  You guys know who you are.

If by chance anyone reads this that thinks, they are one of "those" girls. We are speaking now and I don't want to get into it with you to any degree or on any level.  It is what it is......I just needed to let it out.

Sorry about all the mishmashy shit......this was kind of like a completely random diary entry.....sorry for that.

I was down 1.8 this morning....which I am sure is mostly water weight, but I will take it.  I am hoping that I will be able to get the rest off with in the next two days..or so.

Breakfast this morning was a Yoplait Light FF Strawberry Banana Yogurt.  For snack I had a 100 cal Fruit Crisp and a Light String  Cheese.  Can I just say I forgot how much I freaking love string cheese.  Who ever invented is a flippin' genius.

Lunch was left overs from last night, sauteed peppers, onions, mushrooms and grilled steak.  It was probably a total of two cups, being mostly vegetables.  Snack I had 100 cal snack pack of cookies and later I had a Nature Valley Chewy Fruit and Nut Granola bar.

Zumba kicked my ass tonight!!!!

Dinner was a cheese burger (which I was told by my RD is a serving size) and I also had a measured out serving of pasta salad which was loaded with veggies.

Here I Go AGAIN!!!

I was on vacation last week.  The first couple of days I had no real Internet access....so blogging was not an option.  I went into vacation planning on being really good.  Well that didn't happen at all.  Like NOT at all.  I don't know if I mentioned it before but my old scale was not reading properly so Dustin was nice enough to pick me up a new one in Concord for me one day.  He got one that only reads weight, which is fine, but it doesn't remember from day to day....which I didn't think was going to be a big deal, but apparently I can't remember SHIT!!!

So I have to go back through my posts and see where I stand, but I am pretty sure I am up like 3.5lbs.  Which doesn't really surprise me at all, but I am disappointed in myself.

So I got back on the band wagon today.  Breakfast a Yoplait Light (FF) Strawberry yogurt.  It was actually super yummy, but took me forever to eat because I dove right into work when I got there and I had a lot of emails and shit to go through and get organized...

By lunch I was starving so around 12:15 I made my cafe steamer.  Today it was the portabella mushroom marsala....delish.  1:30 I was still hungry so I had a 100 cal snack pack of cookies.  2:30 still hungry so I had a small granny smith apple and a 100 cal snack pack of cocoa roasted almonds....again 3:30 still hungry so I had a 100 cal fruit crisp bar.

Curves kicked my ass tonight....that's what I get for taking a week off.  But I am glad that I can feel it because I can totally feel the weight that I put back on and I feel disgusting.......

When I got home Dustin and Emma were playing in the front yard, so I hung out with them for a couple of minutes and then we went in.  Dustin was nice enough to start dinner, while I gave Miss Em a bath.  He defrosted some fresh steaks and when Em was done with her tubby, I cut up some bell peppers, mushrooms and onions which I sauteed.  Dustin grilled the steak and we through everything on top of a salad....dinner was yummy!  I know I am going to be hungry in a little bit and I haven't figured out what I am going to do for a snack yet.

On another note, I saw this  Brita Water Bottle in Walmart and saw a commercial for it and I am wondering if anyone has one or if they have heard anything about it.  The water at my office sucks, I think having something that would make the water taste less like shit, might actually help me to drink more......rather than having to buy bottled all the time.

I was down .2 this morning, which brings my total to six.

This is going to be a short blog tonight...

Breakfast was blueberry greek yogurt with 1.5 handfuls of kashi berry cereal.....it made it a little more palatable and I got 3/4 of it down.  Snack was 2 cups of watermelon.  Lunch was another grilled chicken salad, today I did opt for the house dressing, which was pretty much oil.  I did have an afternoon snack which was  100 cal fruit crisp snack and 100 cocoa roasted almonds snack pack.  Dinner is mozzarella pesto tomato pizza.

Tonight was Zumba at Curves, it was a different teacher and less intense, not as good of a work out as the other night.  But still fun!

Down .6 again this morning, for a total of 5.8 lbs.  This seems to be a stalling point for me.  Hopefully I will be able to get past this and tomorrow morning I will be down and can continue to move forward.

Breakfast was two whole wheat waffles with peanut butter and banana slices.  This is by far my favorite breakfast since starting this diet adventure.  I had a bag of cocoa roasted almonds around 11 on my way back to the house, because we were so slow at work today I was going home to get Em's birthday invitations and my coupons.....so invitations have been made out and my coupons are organized.

I did a shitty job of grocery shopping last Saturday because I was in such a hurry and had to get home for the sex toy party I was hosting.  I got all the stuff on my list, but apparently my list didn't include any lunch items......so I was pretty shit of luck this week and finishing up things in the fridge.  So today I was out of food and had no lunch.  I ordered out, large garden salad topped with chicken.  They have no low fat dressing and their house dressing is basically oil.....so I got Caesar, I know not the best choice, but it is what I had.  I will admit I ate entirely too much chicken and the bread that came with it.  Hopefully I wont regret that in the morning.

There was no afternoon snack because I was so full from lunch.  Dinner was left over Chinese food - (maybe) a cup of beef and broccoli, a chicken finger and two crab rangoons.....with a glass of cranberry grape juice.......I think I may be getting a UTI.  FML.

My knees have been killing me all day and my back has been wicked tight.  But I went to Curves anyway and had a pretty good workout.  That is three days in a row and I will go tomorrow as well, Friday is a no go as I am having people over for dinner for a mini old high school group get together.

Down .6 this morning!!! Yay for heading in the right direction again.

Breakfast is a Yoplait Blueberry Greek yogurt, which I am gagging down again this morning and my Keurig Ice tea.  I only got half of it down before I tossed it around 11 o'clock.  Because it took me so long to eat half the yogurt I obviously did not have a morning snack.  Lunch was a chicken sandwich the same as yesterday with 100 cal snack pack of cookies.  My afternoon snack was a 90 calorie cheese stick which was scrumptious and 100 calorie fruit crisp.

Dinner was a cheeseburger with 50% fat free cheddar and no bun.  Covered in fresh tomatoes and homemade dill pickles thanks to Mallory and Luke, I also had a side of cucumbers and tomatoes with yogurt ranch dressing.

Curves kicked butt tonight.  I did one time around about 15 mins before Zumba started and we Zumba'd for 30 mins.  I have come to the conclusion that I am completely uncoordinated and Zumba seriously kicked my ass.

I could talk some more, but I want to start making Em's tutu for her birthday party...so I am out.

Back to the grind

I have been absent from my blogging.  Last week was so busy and this week and the month of September aren't any better to be perfectly honest.  I am going to try to blog and keep everything updated.  I have decided that I am going to "change" the way that I blog.  I am going to try to write after each meal.  It will still be contained to one post and only posted once, but I think if I take a quick 5 minutes during or after each meal, I will be able to stay on top of it and at least get something out there for the day.  So if my blogging sounds funny, like each meal that I am eating is currently happening, it probably is....does that make sense?  It makes sense in my brain - so deal.

This morning I was running late as usual for a Monday.  I was up a pound this morning maybe a pound and a half.  I honestly couldn't remember what I weighed on Friday.  But honestly I ate like shit all weekend so I am completely not surprised and glad that it is not more than that.

So back on the band wagon today.  Breakfast was a Strawberry Yoplait Greek Yogurt which I gagged down this morning and a DD medium ice coffee with skim and splenda.  I bought the Greek Yogurt on recommendation and because it was on sale and I had coupons.  I don't know how I am going to eat the three left that I have in the fridge....they were fucking gross!!!!

I didn't have a snack this morning because it took me so long to get the yogurt down.  Lunch was a chicken sandwich  on an Arnold's flat bread with mayonnaise and mustard along with a 100 calorie snack pack of Cheezits. 

I also went to Wally World at lunch and got some new clothes to work out in for Curves.  2 pairs of capris, 2 pairs of full length pants, 5 light weight tees and 3 light weight long sleeve tees oh and three new sports bras.....so now I can be fashionable while working out.  YAY me and tonight will be my second night at Curves, I would have gone over the weekend but they don't have enough members that go on the weekend so they don't open on weekends anymore.  But if I go like I say I am going to go, 5 nights a week, then I don't have a problem with taking the weekend off.   And if anyone tells me to take a nice long walk on the weekend to make up for it the next time I see you I will punch you in the fucking face.  The way I see it is I have made a drastic change to my diet and I have gone from being pretty much 100% sedentary to looking forward to working out a minimum of 3 nights a week with the hopes of getting in 5, so don't push me.  I am pushing myself as it is.  I am already irritated that I will be seeing Emma an hour less every night.  I know some of you are saying whoopie, no big deal, but I actually enjoy spending time with my daughter and taking her places with me so again fuck off.  That is the end of my rant for now.

My afternoon snack was 100 calorie fruit crisps and a cheese stick.

Curves was great tonight.  I pushed myself and could feel it in 90% of the machines I used.  A "full" workout is going around twice.  Which is what I did and eventually I would like to get up to 3-4 times around, but that will come in time.

Dinner tonight is split chicken breast with Mesquite Chicken seasoning, salad and Dustin and I are splitting a baked potato....I can't wait for dinner, which is currently cooking on the grill!

Its been a couple of days.....I haven't fallen of the band wagon, but the last couple of days have been rough.  The days have gone well, but the nights/dinners have been difficult.  I need to go grocery shopping and get myself re-established.

On the plus side I joined Curves tonight, but I was not able to work out.  Tonight was one of the Zumba nights and by the time I was finished with the paperwork and measurements and everything else...there was only about 10 minutes left of Zumba, which I was not going to pay extra for.  So I asked if they get the room back together in time for me to be able to get a work out in before closing.  To which they responded they need about 45 minutes to walk me through everything the first time.  Which I don't really need, but its what she said, so I have to stick with it.

So my first work out will be tomorrow night....I will be running late for girls night.  We are having dinner at Applebee's, but I already have my dinner picked out after looking at the nutritional information on the website.  I am going to go with one of the 550 calorie meals.  Either the steak with asiago or the chicken with stuffed portabellas.  Both sound super yummy.

I don't really know what my weight is at the moment....my scale has been broken.  It is still reading weight it is just way inaccurate.  I would get on one morning and be down like 5 pounds, so I would weigh myself again and it would be different and different and different.  I bought a new scale today, so I am hoping that it hasn't been way off for some time.

Emma is sick, for the first time.  She has a cold and is absolutely miserable.  I feel so bad for her, she is so stuffy and the baby saline is not working well.

I am getting back on the blogging band wagon.  Promise!!! For those of you that care, lol.

I had so much to say earlier.....was going to vent/rant a little.  But I am just going to let it go.

I was up .8 from the weekend, which I fully expected and I am super happy that it wasn't more.  I don't remember if I blogged on Friday or what I ate during the day.  Dinner was a baked chicken something or other, with potatoes and a roll.  In the car on the way down I had a 100 calorie snack pack of Cheezits and a Twix Ice Cream bar.

Saturday was not good, not good at all.  Breakfast was fruit and a toasted bagel thin with light butter.  Lunch was a hamburger, some chips and some pasta salad.  There was tons of junk at the party and I pretty much picked all day.  There was no dinner, I was full and felt disgusting.  the night ended with a Mojito.

Sunday was not really any better the morning started off with Dutch waffles, which are super fucking yummy and I don't think there is anything remotely nutritional about them.  We got on the road to go home shortly after breakfast and had lunch on the road which was cheese pizza and french fries.  Emma had her first taste of cheese pizza and loved it.  Dinner ended with pizza as well, I was too tired to cook anything and so was Dustin.  It was thin crust onion and garlic and chicken.......so good.

So like I said, I wasn't surprised that the scale was up this morning but happy that it wasn't a lot.  On another note, I don't know what the problem is when I travel.  But I literally did not shit all weekend long, which I don't really understand.  I don't have issues with going to the bathroom in public places, so why I cant go while traveling is beyond me.....and extremely uncomfortable.  I literally went after like 10 mins of walking through the door.

I wasn't overly prepared for this week.  I haven't gone grocery shopping and am going off of what is left in the fridge.  So this morning was blueberry yocrunch yogurt.  Lunch was a portabella marsala cafe steamer.  I also snacked on fresh cherries that Jan brought in today.  I also had 2 100 calorie snack pack of cookies through out the day.  Dinner was a haddock fillet, with corn on the cob (fresh from Jan's garden) and salad.  All super yummy.

I am pretty confident that I will be back down tomorrow if not all .8, pretty close to it.

quick post again tonight.  I was down .2 this morning.  Not a lot but enough to count.  Bringing the total to 5.8 pounds.

Breakfast was 1 cup of berry kashi cereal and 3/4 cup of 1% milk along with a V8 Fruit Fusion.  I did eat breakfast at home this morning and I still wasn't too hungry for a snack around 10:30, but I had one anyway.  It was a 100 calorie fruit crisp.

Lunch was a Lemon Chicken cafe steamer that had green beans and cherry tomatoes with pasta.  YUMMY!  I had a green apple about an hour earlier.

Dinner was going to be late.  So I had a couple of wheat thins with some red pepper hummus.  Dinner was a beef roast with a baked potato and peppers and onions.

I have a feeling that I am not going to be down tomorrow.  I wasn't really hungry all day....so I guess we will see.

Posts might be off this weekend, because I am leaving for NJ/NY tomorrow after work.  I am going to try to remember my lap top.  Here's to hoping!

ok, I am going to be a loser and just do a quick blog. Because I literally just walked through the door and my husband looks super irritated that I am on the computer.  I was down .6 this morning, but I think it is actually 1.6 from yesterday for a total of 5.6.  WOOOOHOOOO

Breakfast was a yocrunch blueberry yogurt and a fruit fusion.  I have been trying to eat breakfast at home vs at work...it almost an hour earlier and snack time is more appropriate.  I had a snack around 10:30 a 100 cal fruit crisp.

Lunch was a balsamic chicken cafe steamer that was super yummy and green apple.  I was still a little hungry but held off for a little while.  I ended up eating a cheese stick and 100 cal snack pack of cookies.

Dinner was going to be late bc I had a hair appt right after work, so I had a 100 snack pack of cocoa toasted almonds on the way.  And dinner was left over spaghetti again.  I didnt measure tonight, it was definately more than a cup but not as much as I would have liked to eat.

That is all!

Today didn't start off too hot.  First I am completely tired and bitchy, then I weigh myself and I am up a pound.  All I want to do is punch some thing or someone.  I ate awesome yesterday besides the extra helping of spaghetti.  So needless to say I was seriously bent out of shape today.

But I decided I was going to stick to my guns and try it again today.  So this morning I started off with two whole wheat Eggo waffles with 2tbsp of peanut butter and 1/2 a banana....made sandwich style.  It was actually pretty good.  I was nervous about this concoction that Katy recommended, but it was good and will totally have it again.

I cut down on the snacks today, because yesterday I felt way too full pretty much all day long.  I was hungry around 10:30 or so.  So I had 15 wheat thins with red pepper hummus.  Lunch was around 12:30 - 1 and was a chicken sandwich on a whole wheat Arnold's round with mayo and mustard.  With cucumber slices on the side.  I did get hungry later in the afternoon so I had a 100 calorie snack pack of cookies and a green apple about an hour later.

Dinner was left over spaghetti, one cup and a half cup of sauce.  I am still a hungry and will probably have a snack in a little bit....either a green apple with peanut butter or a frozen fudge bar (90 calories).  But I don't know yet and will probably lean towards the apple.

Hopefully tomorrow will go better.

Where is my cheering section??????  I want to HEAR you!!!!! LOL

Moving on, I was down .6 this morning.  Bringing me back to right where I was before my Friday night failure.  Katy has me eating a ton of food and I was super full all day almost to the point of being uncomfortable.

Breakfast started with 1cup of Berry Kashi Cereal with 3/4 cup of 1% milk and half a banana.  Miss Em had the other half.  Normally I am hungry for a snack around 10:30....well 10:30 rolled around and hunger was no where in sight, but I had snack anyways.  An extra sharp cheddar cheese stick (90 cals) and a 100 calorie snack pack of cheezits.

Again, by lunch time I am ready to eat.  Lunch time came and went and I wasn't hungry, so I finally ate at 1.  Today was a pumpkin ravioli with summer squash and asparagus (Cafe Steamer 310 cals) and 1cup of watermelon.  On a normal day I would be hungry again around 2:30 or so, granted I ate later in the afternoon, but by 3:30 I was still not ready for a snack, but I had one anyway.  Cocoa Roasted Almonds, freakin' delicious.

I was nervous about dinner, because I wasn't really hungry all day long.  But I had decided on this rainy day that I was going to make spaghetti.  So I came home and started prepping the sauce.  Fresh hamburger, onion, bell peppers and  mushrooms along with Prego and of course garlic.  I did buy wheat pasta when I went grocery shopping, but I wanted to use what was left in the house first.  So I cooked the regular pasta.  Dinner was a small salad with the yogurt ranch dressing 1.5cups of pasta with 1cup of sauce.

I am feeling pretty full and probably could have gone with just a cup of past and less sauce, but I love pasta and it was soooooo good.  Here is to hoping the scale is down again tomorrow.

Miss Katy, I want to hear your thoughts!!

Today was a good day.  After being straight out yesterday, today was a little better.  Got to sleep in a little thanks to Miss Em doing the same.  When I finally got motivated, we went and returned the carpet cleaner.  Visited some of Dustin's customers who wanted to meet Emma, then back to Concord for grocery shopping.

I think I did really well at the grocery store.  I bought a lot of the stuff that Katy and I talked about yesterday.  But I think I am going to have to stop shopping at Wal-Mart.  They didn't have a lot of the stuff she recommended.  Either way I think I made out pretty well for the time being.  After I got everything put away, I threw out all the stuff in the house that was unhealthy.  Which surprisingly was only 1/2 a bag of chips that I think were left over from the last BBQ we had, some fat free sherbert that was way too old to be in the freezer any more and a couple of ice cream toppings.

So getting on with the day I am down .6 pounds from yesterday, which is a relief after being up so much yesterday.  This morning I had a V8 Fruit Fusion and a strawberry yo-crunch yogurt.  Lunch was a little late because we got tied up earlier in the day.  So lunch was a whole wheat Arnold's sandwich round with red pepper hummus and 3 slices of chicken along with 10 whole grain wheat thins and some more hummus.

I was still kind of hungry because I had prolonged lunch for so long, but I held off to see if the food would "kick" in and hunger pains would stop.  They did a little, but not enough so after cutting up all of Em's food for the week I had Cheddar Cheese stick (90 calories) and a 100 calories snack pack of cheezits.

Dinner is going to be a steak salad and I am going to try some of the new yogurt ranch dressing that Katy recommended.  I will probably end up having a snack after dinner as well, although I dont know what yet.

Today didn't start off to hot which I half expected after the dinner I had last night.  I am still super pissed about it.  But I did it to myself.  I am up 1.5 today and clearly not happy about it.

I had an appointment today with Katy at Hannaford, for a store tour.  She also gave me so great snack ideas and told me she didn't think I was eating enough.....excuse me, come again, yeah not eating enough.  Well OK then.  We will try it your way and see how it goes.

I was pretty much on the run all day.  The morning started off with a Simply blueberry granola bar and a DD french vanilla ice coffee with skim and splenda.  Got home around 11ish after running multiple errands and immediately started cleaning the living room carpet.  I had a snack around noon, which was a 100 calorie cheezit snack pack and rest of a coke zero that I had started earlier in the day.

I didn't get to lunch until about 2, which was a salad with Caesar dressing.  Around 4ish I had a 100 calorie fruit crisp snack.  Dinner was grilled chicken with herb and garlic seasoning, broccoli, rice and around 7:30 I had an apple with peanut butter.

So about the only thing I got right today as far as the eating goes is dinner and snacks.  Tomorrow is a new day and I have to go grocery shopping so it is the perfect way to start off the new week.

Dinner

I totally blew dinner out of the water, I had a chicken sub with lettuce, onion, feta, mayo and tomatoes.....I also had a small spicey fry.  I know not healthy and I totally have remorse after eating it, but it was good.  I am so an emotional eater and I need to work on that.

Enough said.

ugh

I am only down .2 this morning and I am seriously disappointed in myself.  I didnt stray from dinner last night, the only thing that was different was one piece of pizza and salad instead of two pieces of pizza.  I am not really sure what else to say except that I am super irritated.

Had a V8 Fruit Fusion with my pills this morning.  Breakfast is going to be ice tea with Yo-crunch strawberry yogurt.  I managed no snack in the morning.  I was really hungry.  Lunch was a Cafe Steamer, surprise, surprise.  Chicken something or other.  Had a 100 calorie chocolate chip snack pack and a granny smith apple for an afternoon snack.

I took out chicken for dinner and will probably have that on top of salad versus having to cook something additional for veggies and a starch.

I am super pissy and that is alll I have to say today!

Nothing catchy to say!!!!!

I really hate feeling like I have to come up with catchy blog names everyday.  It really sucks.  I think I am going to be a loser and just start dating them.

I am so bored at work, we are so slow.........my work was done by 11 and the phone has been quiet.  So I have been trying to twiddle my thumbs productively.  I skimmed three of my parents magazines.  Googled some stuff...and that is it.  Now it is 2:55 I have two hours left and I am writing the blog that will take maybe 10 mins if I am quick about it not even that much time.  I am thankful I am still employed.  When we are busy I cant even think about checking my email, because there is just no time in the day.  I actually really don't like it when it is like this, it is very boring and unproductive.

Anyways, this morning I had a fruit fusion with my pills and a blueberry yogurt and raspberry ice tea when I got to work.  Around 11:00 I had a Kellog's fruit crisp, which I think are really good.  But I have an abnormal liking of artificial fruit flavors.

Lunch was a lemon chicken cafe steamer.  Yum, Yum and I just had a 100 calorie chocolate chip snack pack.  I think I am going to have left over pizza for dinner.  I didnt take anything out and I am feeling kind of lazy.....that happens to me when there isn't a ton to do at work, it seems to follow me home.

Dinner - as expected

This is a double post, kinda for those of you that didn't read it under the FB post last night.  Dinner went well, we did order pizza.  The outlaws got what they wanted and Dustin and I stuck to a healthy pizza.  Onion, pepper, broccoli, spinach, eggplant and mushroom.  I did good and only had two pieces and was totally full although it was so yummy that I totally wanted to annihilate another piece.

Was nervous about getting on the scale because of how full I was last night.  And as I was stepping on it was doing a little chant of please go down, please go down, please go down.  It worked.  I was down .4 this morning.

I have been debating about writing about this, but I am putting everything else out there, so this is nothing different.  I have been so irregular after making this change in how and what I am eating.  It seems on the days that I am not able to go I am only down .4 or .6 etc....but the days I am going I am down much more than that.  So I started taking a probiotic last night.  I hope that it works.  I was recommended to get the Align brand, went to the store yesterday at lunch to get some it was like $35 for 30 pills. FUCK THAT.  I got the store brand for $15, checked the ingredients and all the main ingredients are exactly the same. 

I'll check in later with my normal daily post.

Up and at 'em

Up earlier than normal today because Dustin had to go deal with a hornets nest at a job site, while they were all still sleeping and it was nice and cold out.........so I am up, and truly not happy about it.  I am an 8 hour sleeper and have not yet gotten accustomed to waking with the child.  I do, because I have to, but I am seriously groggy all freakin' day.  I love to sleep and I soooooooo miss it.

Down a whole pound this morning.  Wooohooo.  Bringing the total to 5 (I think, I need to go back through my posts and add it up) OK 4.8 after adding it up.  I really wish it was more at this point and I realize I could probably get more off if I started exercising, but I am a lazy person by nature.   It is not an excuse it is just a statement.  And honestly, if I do too much at once while focusing on the same goal I tend to get overwhelmed and quit.  Again not and excuse but a statement.  I hoping to maintain .5 a day off.  I think that is a good goal and obtainable.  I realize that it will probably shortly plateau and I will have to change up my game plan.  But right now it is what I am shooting for.

Breakfast this morning is Strawberry Yo-Crunch and raspberry ice tea.  Danielle thinks I am addicted to the ice tea, but really its like my coffee in the morning.  I don't like to drink hot coffee in the summer and I cant afford DD ice coffee every morning and Keurig has the brew over ice KCups and I love them.  I can't wait for fall for the Pumpkin Coffee to come back out.  I stalk up so I have a ton....like 4 or 5 boxes.  It is sooooo good.

I managed no snack today between breakfast and lunch.  I started to get hungry around 11:30 and just held off for lunch which was a Portabella Spinach Parmesan Cafe Steamer, again super yummy.  I did have an afternoon snack of  100 cal snack pack cheezits.

The outlaws are coming for dinner tonight and I am opting to order pizza because I didn't dethaw any thing and I don't want to cook.  So I am posting now, because if it is already out there then it is out there and I should stick to it......that's the game plan anyway.  So I am going to get veggies on my pizza, which I actually really enjoy and stick to that, hopefully they wont want to get onion rings or anything like that. The place we order from has the best freakin' onion rings ever.

That is all - see ya tomorrow!

today took forevvvvvvvvvvver!

The morning started out as normal.  I had a fruit fusion with my pills and when I got to work I had a strawberry yo-crunch with a raspberry ice tea.  A fruit crisp for a snack around 10:15, lunch was chicken, sweet potato something something cafe steamer.  Cheezit 100 cal snack pack for snack and dinner was steak and baked potato....short and sweet tonight.  I'm tired and want to go to bed early.

I was down .4 this morning and wasn't really hungry all day, but I was satisfied either.  I think I am starting to PMS, because all I wanted to do today was eat.  And I actually yelled at a company person on the phone and then passed them off to my boss, because I couldn't deal anymore.

Ok, so I dont suck as bad as I thought I did!

I reluctantly stepped on the scale this morning after a weekend of not being as diligent as I am during the week.  Well low and behold I was down 1.4 lbs.  I was so surprised that I actually got off the scale and got back on again just to make sure.  It stayed the same - waaaahooo!  I was super excited, but irritated with myself at the same time knowing that if I had been diligent it could've been a bigger number.  But I cant complain really, I thought for sure the scale was going to up, up, up past where I started!

Breakfast was 3/4 of a banana, Emma had the other 1/4.  Which by the way she love taking bites of things, not like cut up pieces but actual bites like off of the banana or watermelon.  I have to get a picture of her doing it and post it.  Its so flippin' cute.  And a V8 Fruit Fusion with my crazy pills, I also had a Yo-Crunch Blueberry yogurt when I got to work along with my raspberry ice tea.  Which kept me pretty full until about 11:15 or so and I fought the hunger pains until 12.  Then I had my Portabella Marsala Pasta Healthy Choice Cafe Steamer.  I am telling you, I freaking love these things.  They are tasty and keep me satisfied until afternoon snack which was a 100 cal snack pack of chocolate chip cookies.

I should also mention that this entire time I have been trying to be better about my water intake.  So I have been diligently trying to drink more throughout the day!

Dishes are done the kid is fed and steaks are on the grill.  I'm sitting in the AC finishing my post for the night and drinking a glass of Moscato.......mmmmmmmmmm.  Dinner is steak seasoned with Chicago Steak seasoning and salad.  I will probably just end up making mine a steak salad and enjoy another glass of Moscato.

Good day today!!!

The Weekend I didnt post

Friday night was an awesome time with great friends.  We made healthy pizzas and had angel food cake with blueberry topping.  It was all super yummy.  Everything was pretty healthy except for the damn mushrooms that Justin decided to make with cream cheese and bacon filling.  They were scrumptious and I consumed too many.  I also had like 8 beers.  Needless to say I was not looking forward to weighing myself the next morning. 

Dustin let me sleep in on Saturday, so the day got started late and I didn't weigh myself.  I didn't eat great.  I think I had a Coke Zero and a couple of cookies for breakfast.  Go ME!!!!  Cleaned around the house a little bit and then chilled with the kid.  Finally decided to weigh myself late morning.  It was not my true weight, seeing is how it was not prior to putting any food in my body and I was still weighing myself with all my clothes on.  Well it was reading that I was up 1.0 to 1.5, I honestly don't remember.  So I was obviously disappointed in myself.  Had lunch later that day with was a chicken sandwich and another Coke Zero. 

Ended up going into Concord to do some errands.....went to TRU to return a car seat.  PS I hate them.  Went to Sams Club to buy another car seat, which is also getting returned and picked up some other items.  I got a bunch of DVD's for Miss Em.  A couple Disney movies and two 30 min DVD's that are supposed to help teach them the alphabet and numbers.  I also got so Yoplait yogurt crunch.  Maybe with the added texture I wont gag it down as bad?????  I also got some V8 Fruit Fusion 100 calorie cans.  I am sure there is lots to be said about that, but we wont go there.  I like them and that is it.  Thank you.  I also got some more 100 calorie snack packs.  And before you health food junkies start rolling your eyes at me AGAIN.  Let me just say this.  I realize that there is absolutely NO nutritional value is these little baggies, but it is snack that is going to help me keep from cheating on a larger scale, so I will continue to eat them.  (PS I do love you, my little health food junkie friends) 

Dinner was Pork Ribs that were fucking delicious.  I probably ate like 1/2 rack and a super large salad with fresh veggies from Jan's garden.

I did not weigh myself on Sunday, but I did do a little bit better.  I had a yogurt crunch for breakfast and a V8 fruit fusion.  It was a pretty lazy day and I hung out pretty much in the living room with Miss Em all day.  Lunch I had left over chicken Alfredo from the other night.  God it was good.  Ended up going to see one of my besties to pick up some toys for Miss Em that I was getting from her.  Went home and had a Kellogg's (I think) fruit crisp, also 100 calories.  They are sweet and filling and just enough to take the edge off.  Dinner was the pork roast that I had put in the crock pot earlier that morning, salad and baked potato.  Over all it was a pretty OK day.

Today

I was disappointed when I got on the scale this morning and it didn't go down.  It didn't go up either which I am thankful for, but it didn't go down and that irritates me.

Apple for breakfast with Raspberry Ice Tea.  I forgot my snacks today so I stuck it out until lunch which was a Healthy Choice Cafe Steamer, Pumpkin Ravioli with summer squash (I think it was summer squash).  Anyways super yummy.  Again I don't have a snack so I am going to try to stick it out until dinner, which is not until later than normal.

Tonight is an impromptu BFF night at Danielle's, we are making our own pizzas so that will help with being healthy and I made and Angel food cake and I am bringing blueberries to boil down and make a sauce for a topping.  Hopefully it will be good.  Although the amount of alcohol I am planning on consuming will be un-needed extra calories.

I will hopefully check in tomorrow!!!!

Oh Yeah

Super surprised when I stepped on the scale this morning.  Down 1.0lbs, for a total of 2.  I was unsure of what that pizza was going to do to me last night.  So it is good to know that I can enjoy something super yummy in moderation.

Morning always starts off as normal.  Crazy pills and supplements.  Raspberry ice tea and 3/4 of banana.  What was left over from Emma's breakfast which was strawberries and bananas.  Can I just say she is such a good eater and I am so happy that she loves fruits and vegetables.

I also bought some 100 calorie snack packs and some blueberry granola bars last night while I was grocery shopping.  So I had a simply blueberry w/almonds and flax granola bar around 10 for a snack.
Lunch was a Healthy Choice Cafe Steamer, sesame glazed chicken with the water chestnuts picked out. Around 2:15 I had a chocolate chip cookie 100 cal snack pack.

Came home fed the kid, dishes are done.  Angel food cake is in the oven for my girls night tomorrow.  Yay for an impromptu bff night.  Chicken is de-thawing as we speak.  Going to have chicken three cheese Alfredo tonight with bell peppers (red, yellow and green).  Hopefully I can control myself.  I looooove pasta.  But I love seeing the scale go down every morning more.

Go Me.....its my birthday, oh yeah its my birthday

Ok its not really my birthday.  But I started the day off good again today.  Down another .6 for a total of 1lb in two days.  Baby steps, but I am doing it and trying to stay really positive and stoked about it.  Its the only way that I am going to make it through the journey.

I have scheduled a store tour with Katy at her Hannaford store.  I am excited for it and hopefully she can give me some great tips and show me how to substitute appropriately so I can still bake goodies and not feel super bad about eating them.

I need to get more sleep, I went to bed way too late on Sunday and Monday night and now I am totally playing catch up.  It totally sucks.

This morning started the same as yesterday.....rasberry ice tea, but an orange (only about 1/4) this morning vs. a green apple.  The one thing I hate about oranges....my fingers turn white after eating them, like from the juices, you know what I am talking about right?  Oh also, I pulled a fingernail away from my finger, not bad, but bad enough that when the juices get it there it stings like a son of a bitch. OUCH!

Simply Granola bar for a snack and Healthy Choice Chicken Medley something or other steamer meal and water for lunch.  Had to grocery shopping after work bc apparently we have nooooooo food.  So there was no work out again tonight.  Came home fed the kid and started making her food, bc she was out too, what a good mother I am.  Through a pizza in the oven for dinner, garlic, chicken, basil, onion = super yummy.  And it is 330 calories for a third of the pizza....so we will say 500 cals for 1/2.  Have to finish eating dinner, so I can go back to cutting up food for the little!

Good way to start the day......

I have decided that I am weighing myself every morning.  Not to be obsessive, but to reinforce what I did or didn't do the previous day.  This morning was a good first "result".  Down .4, obviously me being me it would have been nice to shed like 5lbs over night, but I know that is not realistic.  So I will take the .4 for a nice starting point and try to keep up the good work.

This morning was a Raspberry Ice Tea, not a pre-made loaded with sugar and shit one, one from my Keurig - brew over ice (highly recommend) kind and a green apple on the way to drop Miss Em off at day care.  I was actually starving when I woke up this morning.  Soooooooo unlike me.  I am not a breakfast person and never have been.  I know it is a necessity so I have been eating something for the past couple of months, but I am never really hungry.  So when I got up this morning I was super surprised.  Took my don't kill anybody today pills and my Bee Pollen Supplement, they say to take on an empty stomach or not with in 30 mins of eating....so I had to wait.  I didn't have to, but I did.

Lunch was a Healthy Choice Cafe Steamer - Roasted Chicken Verde.  I have been really impressed with these meals as wells as the Kashi meals.  They don't taste like cardboard and they manage to keep me full until an afternoon snack at an appropriate time, not 15 mins after lunch is done and you are starving again, or later.....so again, really impressed and will continue to buy these and try out the different options.  I had an Archer Farms Simply Granola Bar for a snack around 2.

Dinner is going to be Shake & Bake Parmesan Crusted Pork Chops, Spanish Rice and Red, Yellow and Green Peppers with onion, garlic, butter and a roasted garlic and herb seasoning cooked in the skillet.  I did have two oreos while preparing dinner bc I was starving and starting to get a tad shaky.

No walk again tonight.  I had planned on it, but maybe I can get the hubby to Wii box with me later.

Back on the Band Wagon

My plan was to start walking when I get home from work and today was going to be day one.....well that didn't happen.  It was 83 flippin degrees when I got home and I wasn't feeling it, so instead it was my normal routine.  Come home do the dishes and feed the kid.  When that was all done, Dustin was finally home so I pulled the new convertible car seat out of the back of the Durango and lugged it inside to read directions and figure out how to put this massive bitch in the car and if I was actually going to like it or if I was making another trek back to TRU tomorrow on lunch to return it.

I ended up with the Graco Smart Seat, yes it is absolutely massive but after looking at this one compared to all the others, they all kinda of seemed like shit comparatively.  Like I said it is super massive and heavy as hell, but it has steel reinforcements....aka my baby's got a roll cage, lmao!  And honestly installing it rear facing all we had to do was sit the front seat up straighter.  We didn't have to move the seat any closer to the dash....does that make sense?  So far so good, I put her in the seat before we installed it in the car and she didn't seem to mind it.  I tried to put her in after the seat was installed and she started to pitch a fit and I didn't want to work her up prior to bed time so I didn't push it with her.  Hopefully it wont be a major issue in the morning. (note to self - get out of the house a couple minutes earlier just in case).

So back to the food....started off good with an ice coffee from DD, med FV with skim and splenda and planned on eating the fruit salad that I had packed but when I got to work and actually looked at it I realized the strawberries and raspberries were way to mushy for me to stomach.  So I ate an Archer Farms Simply bar, didn't taste like cardboard so that's a plus.  Lunch was going to be a steamer meal that I thought I had left in the fridge at work from last week.....but I had already eaten it, so I ordered a chicken caesar salad instead.  Should have gone with a garden and light dressing, but hey I could've been eating a greasy sub and spicy fries.  Thinking about dinner as I am typing this and thinking that I may have left over ham and potatoes with mixed veggies, but I don't know, a frozen pizza would be way less effort and way worse for me.  I guess leftovers it is.  YAY for will power.

Surprise.........

Yeah the weekend didnt go to well, wasnt as bad as normal. But there was still a significant amount of crap eaten. I did eat lots of veggies too, but they were totally cancelled out by all of the crap. And I totally forgot my laptop, so I am not going to back date and go over everything, bc honestly not a whole lot happened. Dustin and Mom did let me sleep until 9:30 this morning so that was freaking awesome!

So we will start again with dinner tonight.....meatball muffins, yes muffins, bc I didnt have enough hamburger to do an entire loaf. So meatball muffins and salad.

Im not good with coming up titles for my blog......

anyways....dinner went ok last night, no claws came out and I didnt even have a drop of alcohol. So take that how ever you want.

As of now I am counting down the minutes until Emma's nap time so I can get moving and douche the house. We have been gone pretty much every weekend the past couple of weekends and my house has been completely neglected and it totally shows. It is completely embarrassing how dirty it is.

Mom bought new/used furniture from a camp for our camp on Craigslist. Dustin went to pick that up this morning and is headed home with it now. He is then going to go finish a roof and then he wants to go to ME for the night. Which I was not expecting. I thought he would just drop the furniture off and then come home.

Which leads me to fooooooooooood. Currently eating a bowl of cereal. Have no idea what I will have for lunch and apparently we will be in ME for dinner and til whatever time we decide to come home tomorrow. We never eat healthy at camp, so I need to make a phone call to my mother to see what is up there and what I may need to pick up so I dont fall the band wagon!!!

Also, I will try to remember to bring my laptop, I think if it is there with me and I can continue to blog....that it will make me stay accountable, kwim???? Mom wont be happy about it as there are no "electronics" there. Which in all reality is really nice. And I am going to have to kife (sp) the neighbors wifi. GOOD TIMES!

dinner.......

As previously mentioned, dinner was ham......way to salty for my liking, not a big fan of ham to begin with. Potatoes and mixed veggies. Ate way to many potatoes, bc I make them way toooooo goooooood. Thin slices, sprayed with olive oil, topped with a garlic herb seasoning and shredded cheddar bacon cheese.

I didn't have dessert, so that's a plus.

Tomorrow is another day! Bring it on, I am determined to do this!!!!!!

Begining of Daaaaay 1

So far so good, lol......feeling super gross today. Not that, that is different from any other day.

Fruit salad for breakfast, DD French Vanilla ice coffee xx skim and 4 splenda. My plan for lunch is the frozen Kashi meal out back in the freezer, hopefully that will hold true. The outlaws are coming for dinner tonight, I have a ham in the crockpot at home on low with a brown sugar glaze. I am not a big ham fan so that will probably do me some good tonight. The rest of the meal is not yet planned....there will be some vegetable and starch involved.

If I am not toooo drunk after they leave, I will try to report back. LOL

Here I GO!!!

I am not entirely sure where to start with all of this. I guess let me tell you where my brain is at this given moment in time. I am unhappy with me. I am unhappy in my body. There is no good excuse for me being as fat as I am. It all comes down to me making extremely poor choices and being lazy. I am a lazy person by nature....if given the choice to take a nap or go outside and do soemthing, chances are I will try to catch some extra ZZZZZZZZZZZ's. Again, no excuses. I make poor food choices. I love food all types. I love fruits and vegetables, but I love things that are unhealthy for me that much more. I need to find and get better habits. Exercise habits and better eating habits.

So this blog is going to serve as my diary.....if you choose to follow, I appreciate it. If not well than, I hope you found something more enjoyable to read.

My overall goal is obviously, yes to lose weight, but I would honestly be happy being able to be happy with my body and me.....and maybe find that confidence that I sooooooo want and used to have, or at least I thought I had.

In the end I hope I dont have to rename this blog Fat to Failure.....that would completely fucking suck!