Wednesday, October 10, 2012


It's a short one tonight.  I am super foul today....not quite sure what my issue is.  I think I am just done.  I have been searching for a new job on an off for months.  I can't seem to find anything worth sending my resume in for or the ones that I think I would love I dont have enough education for.  I am not opposed to going back to school, but as of right now I dont have the money or the time.  And on top of that even if I do go back, the jobs that I think I would love I dont think would pay enough.  So I am just UGH....

I would honestly love to have my own store.  Country Crafts and Consignments....I have thought about it so  much I already have a name.  I love the idea of refinishing furniture.  Making the old new, repurposing items.  The couple pieces that I have done came out really well.

So long story short if you hear of any fabulous job openings keep me in mind and if you have anything you want refinished again keep me in mind.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Follow Me

It has recently come to my attention that there are more people reading this blog than I thought.  I link my posts through Facebook, but I do encourage you to "follow" me through the blog itself.  I like the idea of people following me, but KNOWING that you are, I think will help to keep me more on track.  Because, FUCK if I fail then I have way more people to be accountable to.  And I don't like to fail.  So again, I encourage you to "follow" me through my blog.  There is a join this site button under my profile.  Click it I DARE YOU!!!

Anyways,  the end of last week was crazy freakin' busy.  Thursday night we went to the circus with my mom and Dustin's mom and Emma.  Emma loved it.  She was so entranced by everything that was happening.  By the end of the night she was dancing and clapping in our laps.  She also now thinks that every circus animal says ROAR, not just the tigers.  Its cute to see her stick her hand up like paw and roar, but we are working on the right animal sounds for the right animal.

Friday night was a lot of running around on my part to get ready for her second birthday party the next day. ::sniff, sniff::  We got her a beta fish that we named Bob for her bedroom.  She LOVES him.  Every morning she wakes up and says Bob....meaning time to feed him breakfast. 

Saturday was great, tons of family and friends came over to help us celebrate her birthday.  She got lots of great gifts.  I was happy that some were able to stay later and BBQ with us.  It is always great to catch up.  I feel like we don't see each other enough.

Sunday I was seriously hungover.  One of my old besties decided to stay and we finished a huge bottle of wine, not to mention the glasses that we had from the first bottle that others helped us polish off.  Anyways, I didn't want to move on Sunday but the house needed to be picked up.  It wasn't in bad shape, thank god.....ended up taking a nap when Emma went down and then we headed to the fair for a bit.

So what this amounts to is Thursday through Sunday, I did not make good food choices.  I did make a point to not overeat, but I did splurge and have some not so good things.  But I got right back on track Monday morning.  Last night we had baked chicken that was stuffed with spinach, tomatoes and mozzarella along with some left over pasta salad from the bday party and some steamed broccoli.  The chicken was delicious and is going to be a good go to meal for us.  Tonight we had left over vegan chili and a baked potato both with 75% fat free cheddar cheese.  Which was also very good.

That's all I have to report for now....I am still down overall and that is great news in my world.  Now just to keep up the work.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Hey, look at me....back again today. Whoop, Whoop. 

Not much going on today except stress.  I have way too much stuff going on in the next couple of months.  And nothing I can get out of.  Its just all coming to a head....and I feel like my head is spinning and spinning. 

Emma's Birthday party is this weekend and I am super excited about it.  I can't believe that she is going to be two already.  The time really does fly by.  She is like a little person now, with attitude and all.  She makes me nuts most days, but I love her for it.  I mean how can you not love a face that stinkin' cute.

We ate dinner at the in-laws last night, so the diet went completely out the window and the scale definitely showed it this morning.  I was not a happy camper, but I was fully expecting it.  Dustin and I both agreed that we feel so much better with the way we have been eating this last week.  That we both want to keep it up.  And when we do eat something not so great, its almost an instantaneous yucky feeling.  So we are on the band wagon to keep this going which is great.

So I get home and realize I forgot to take out something for dinner...all our meat is frozen. SHIAT!  We will be ordering tonight, steak salads for both Dustin and I and Emma will get a chicken kids meal.

My brain doesn't want to work anymore so that's all for now.

Monday, September 24, 2012

So much to catch up on.

I feel like my life has been full of drama lately.  There has been so much shit going on.  I think it has finally come to end.  And truthfully I don't even know what the end is or if there is really a defining point.....I have more or less decided that I am not dealing with the high school bull shit and if you don't fucking like it then don't talk to me.  That simple.

I am not going to get into all the dramatics.  The people in my life who care know about what I am talking about and to be perfectly honest, I don't really want to talk about it anymore.  I'm kinda over it.

Which brings me to me sitting at work with a slight headache ( I am thinking from slight dehydration) and being bored.....our Agency Management System is down and no one knows when it may be back up.  So this morning I did what I could without the system. That was a two whole whopping phone calls.  FML.  So now I sit here bored at my desk after hours of googling and window Internet shopping.  BORED.  There is only so much googling you can do before you go cross eyed.

Back to the whole reason I started this blog and so far have failed miserably at.  Eating and being fat.  I am really good at both.  But I have decided to make dietary changes.  I cut ALL caffeine out of my diet last Saturday.  I only had a raging headache for about 3 days.  I was super grateful it wasn't any longer.  I have also not had any processed food in the last week.  I am not being extremely finicky about the food, but from what I read they say try to eat things with less than 5 ingredients or things that you wouldn't be able to make yourself at home.  So far so good. 

Honestly I feel much better.  I don't have a constant bloated feeling.  Dustin has surprised me in going along with this whole non processed food journey.  Which is great, because then I don't have to worry about him and he can just eat what I plan for.  Everything I have made has been super tasty.  I even made sure to buy fresh herbs to season with.  So far so good.  Dustin says he feels better.  I don't know if he has lost any weight, but I am down 3.6 pounds from last week.  So I am hoping to keep it up.

We had a super busy weekend.  Sunday was filled with family and friends.  The morning started with visiting one of the newest additions to the Stevens/Fifield side of the family.  Little Miss Olivia Grace.  She is absolutely gorgeous, as to be expected.  Then we were off to a BBQ.  Emma had a fabulous time.  There was a hay ride and she got to pick to pumpkins after out of the garden.  She was so cute running from pumpkin to pumpkin trying to find just the right ones.  Then to meet an old friend for some apple picking.  It was great catching up with her and hopefully we can get some more time in together before she heads back to Georgia in December/January....

Well I think that's it for now.  Maybe I will get back into this maybe not, lol.  But I don't have anything else to do right now......BORED!!!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Full, Full, Full......

I got up an half an hour earlier than normal today, so I was able to make breakfast at home.  I had egg beaters with a piece of bacon in a multi grain 100 calorie was rather bland.  I washed it down with half a glass of left over smoothie from the two previous days.  I was still feeling kind of hungry but decided to hold off until getting to work to if I still was at which point I would have a snack.

I wasn't still hungry by the time I got to work, I was actually really full.....and full pretty much throughout the day.  I had grapes around 11:30 and another All Natural Cafe Steamer which was Portabella Mozzarella Pasta.  It was super yummy.

Around 2 I had 15 kashi crackers with another laughing cow cheese and a granny smith apple.  I did have another snack around 3:30, which was mixed nuts (not a healthy kind) and a clementine.

Dustin cooked dinner tonight (FABULOUS - I wasn't rushing all around when I got home) he cooked the fish I purchased which was Potato Crusted Chipolte Cod.  It was so yummy, he also made butter garlic noodles.  And I paired it with a salad.

I just want to add in here, for people who read this, but don't really, really know me or us.  (not that it matters just to save me from future explanation).  All the meat we eat excluding chicken and fish is fresh.  Meaning it came off of Dustin's grandparents farm or another friend's local farm.

And in is 8pm, I am exhausted and going to bed early.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012


So I am going to try to this again and see how it goes.  The holidays have come and gone and the weight has just to work on it going.  I am not making it my New Year's Resolution to lose weight.  Because I feel like everyone does that and I don't want to set myself up for failure.  My NYR is to get up at a more appropriate time on a daily basis (meaning not having to run around like a crazy woman in the morning) and with that hopefully eventually being able to add working out in the morning to that.

I restarted this journey yesterday....unfortunately I have put back on all the weight that I had previously lost.  I new it was happening and I still couldn't stop myself from eating.  Which really disgusts me.  But I am already down two pounds or I was this morning I should say.

My last grocery shopping trip, last Sunday, was actually really good.  Everything that I bought was healthy and so far has been yummy.

This morning was the real first day  (again) in the change of my diet.  Breakfast was coffee we fat free FV creamer and 3 splenda, along with a fruit smoothie made with fat free vanilla yogurt, water and frozen strawberries, mangos and peaches.

1st snack was kashi fire roasted veggie crackers with a light mozzarella sun dried tomato basil laughing cow cheese and a medium size granny smith apple.  The crackers and cheese were AWESOME!!!!!

Lunch I had an all natural cafe steamer, Asian pot stickers and a banana and water.

2nd snack was two chocolate chunk back to nature's cookies and they didn't taste like cardboard which surprised me and a clementine.

Dinner was also delicious!!!!

Grilled steak with garlic pepper seasoning.  Portabella mushroom with 75% fat free cheddar also grilled, and cheesey garlic noodles.  All measured out to the appropriate serving sizes.

Everything was super yummy today and I am now hungry and I have to go find a snack to tide me over.....maybe grapes......idk

'til tomorrow

Thursday, October 13, 2011

I'm Back???

Some people have mentioned that they would like me to be blogging again.  That they miss my brutal honesty and that some of you actually enjoy it....why I am not really sure and will probably never figure it out, but what the hell.  So here it goes again, be prepared this one is going to be a doozie!

I have been thinking a lot about my past lately and why I am the way that I am today.  Before I get into this I would like to precursor this by saying I am not looking for anything out of this post.  I have decided that I am going to put everything out there, just to give people a heads up of my past and why I think the way I am the way I am.  This post is going to be kind of a mishmash of a little bit of everything.  It is just all this shit that is constantly running through my brain and I need an outlet.  I have debated about doing this on here for awhile, but honestly I didn't know if I wanted to open this up for the world to see and leave myself this vulnerable.  But I am going to do it and leave it at that.

I have always been very up front with people about my attitude, about who I am and everything else in between.  I started this blog because of my weight and my struggle with it in my every day life.  I have struggled with my weight since I was little and I remember it very clearly.  I distinctly remember looking at myself and never thinking I was skinny.  Even when I was at my skinniest (a size 8 or 9 when I was 20 or so) I thought I was fat!!!  Now I would kill to get back to that size.  I realize today that getting back to that size for me is really not realistic.  Don't get me wrong  I was never told that I was fat (that I can remember) by anyone...not anyone that matters to me anyway. But it has been a constant struggle from looking at pictures in magazines and thinking that the way they looked was the way that I should look to looking at my classmates and thinking and knowing that they were thinner than I was and that I should be able to be that skinny.  It has always been a constant struggle and I deal with it day in and day out. 
I don't wear it on my shoulder for everyone to see and I have this facade of having a wall up and that it doesn't bother me the way people look at me and judge.  But it does.

I have never perceived myself as a skinny or pretty person.  I can honestly say that the only day of my life I have ever felt truly beautiful was the day of my wedding.  Everyday I have gotten up and done my morning routine whether it be in high school or shower, do your hair and makeup and get on with the day.  There are days when I have gone to school/work and thought that I have looked at alright and then you have one of those moments where you look in the mirror and you have a what the fuck was I thinking thought....that happens more often than not and it has gotten so much worse since having Emma, because I am exhausted all of the time and no amount of makeup can hide that exhausted look on your face.  Not in my case anyway!

Moving on......I told you this was going to be a mishmash....sorry, you can stop reading now if you want, but it is going to continue.  I am going to back track a little here and talk about middle school and high school and my friendships there.  I feel like I have this curse that follows me around in my friendships.  I have never had an abundant amount of friends.  I have always had a couple of friends that I have always held near and dear to my heart.  To this day this holds true.  I can remember in middle school being very close with a couple of different people.  I am not going to name names or call anyone out...this is not for that purpose at all.  I was friends with them each individually we eventually started hanging out all together and I was then cut from the clique.  If that is what you want to call it.  I realize to a degree that this is all middle school bull shit and kids being kids, but I don't think people realize the things they do and how long people carry it with them.  I remember having classes with these two girls and I remember distinctly the day that it happened and when I realized what was going on....they had talked to the other people "sitting" by them and had them move seats so there would not be a seat close to them and I would have to move to the other side of the room.  Obviously I didn't realize this was going on right away, but within a couple of days, someone actually told me that they had asked them to sit by them so I couldn't.  Ouch.  To some extent this happened again in high school with two different girls, I was again close with these two on an individual basis and we all started hanging out and I was again "removed" from the clique.  It wasnt as drastic or mean spirited as is it had been in middle school, but it still hurt.  I think this is where my "rough" exterior and my "walls" started to form.  From here on out I was pretty much a bitch, douche bag, call it what you want.  I was it.  Because I was determine to not let myself get hurt, yet again.

I am not going to get into my relationships with boyfriends because those are far worse then any friendships that I have had to deal with.  And as many walls as I put up they were able to take them down and beat me down a little more.  So now my walls stand taller and stronger, but in the end I am a better person for it.

I have two very close friends who mean the absolute world to me and I would be completely lost without them and they are my true friends and my soul sisters.  I would do anything for them as they would for me. I love them and they have helped to mold me into the person I am today.  And I am a better person for having them in my life.  You guys know who you are.

If by chance anyone reads this that thinks, they are one of "those" girls. We are speaking now and I don't want to get into it with you to any degree or on any level.  It is what it is......I just needed to let it out.

Sorry about all the mishmashy shit......this was kind of like a completely random diary entry.....sorry for that.